sweet sleep

well, we all know i won't post regularly or anything i claim i'm going to post so from now on this will probably just be a random "i can't sleep" so "this is what i'm going to type about" place. although i love love love looking back at my blogs and seeing what i was up to/going through.

sigh. i'm not gonna lie this week's been tough. just the other week i was commenting on how long it'd been since i'd been sick. hah. that came back to bite me. My mom and B were both sick with colds last week, and before that Rachel and some people from work had it, so i was kind of destined to get it. Last weekend I opted out of going to a few things so i could sleep and try to beat it. That didn't really work. I actually felt better mid-week but, then the congestion came back worse. Thursday I went to Kroger with dad and picked up a decongestant (having to sign to get it from behind the counter should have been a clue that it was some serious stuff i guess...apparently anything with ephedrine is not something to be messed with.) I immediately felt like my head was clearing up! but, then i took 2 naps. non-drowsy? i don't think so.

Craig actually spoke about sleep at Rhythm. "A clear conscience is the best pillow." epic. and he talked about when you can't sleep how it's either because your body is worked up or your mind is. He shared about Philippians 4:4-9. I kind of gave the message some general thought, talked it over with Meritha, and that was it, headed to Fridays with "my crew" and, i took 2 more decongestant pills there. (a good 6 hours after the first 2) and then i won't go into details but i don't really remember a whole lot. (not that i did anything crazy or dangerous i just wasn't myself and have like no memory...) I didn't drive, and I remember telling Meritha that i was going to sleep really well that night!

fast forward and i ended up not sleeping, like literally, all stinkin night long. did you know home improvement and america's funniest home videos are like the only real shows on television at 3 and 5 am? i also read quite a bit of "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. [too bad i have to re-read it because it did not sink into my mind...ironic.] It was like the longest night of my life. I had worked myself up and freaked myself out so badly. It's kind of scary how powerful and convincing the mind can be. And you know that awful "I need to get sleep, like I have to get sleep tonight, there is no option" feeling? Gross. My throat was dry and I was hot and cold. I was like half-asleep hallucinating. My stomach was upset. I knew I was having a reaction to the medicine and I wasn't sure how much I was doing to myself, how much was the substance, and how much was even real. hah. I've felt like this 2 other nights in my life. Once, at school in the dorm, after I took Delsyum cough syrup. And once here, and I don't remember why. But, I remember having conversations with people who weren't really there and not being sure if i was awake or asleep. I told my mom that I felt like there was someone in the bathroom with me... (and i was not praying, like this was not a Holy Spirit kind of presence....) creepy. I was completely miserable. Meanwhile, I was thinking through my life and situations and relationships. It was completely exhausting. physically and emotionally. I won't go on about all of this because I really want to actually get to my points. [ps-i did not babysit on friday because i felt HORRIBLE and i did go to the dr. friday and its just a virus and i probably should switch back to dayquil...hah.]

1. Don't mess with drugs.
2. I feel empathy for people who struggle with mental illness and do not trust themselves. It's serious, scary, crazy stuff.
3. My mom wins "best mom of the century/universe award" because she's awesome.
4. I feel more aware of a connection between anxiety and a spiritual warfare realm. At least that's how it felt to me.
5. pray, pray, pray. mmm it is so sweet to know that I have a personal Savior that knows everything about me, and He adores me inside and out, and is always listening!

Guess what I came across on facebook Friday? SpiritFM had posted this link

http://devotions.proverbs31.org/2011/02/sweet-dreams.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+p31encouragement+%28P31+Encouragement+for+Today%29

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or recieved or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Phil. 4:4-9

I'm taking this so personally right now. SIGH. :)

halfway gone

Once again, I've returned to blogging and hopefully I will actually finish & post this one. :) high hopes I know! I get frustrated with myself when I don't blog... not because all of my "readers" don't have any new material but because i love looking back and seeing what i've been doing/learning/processing during a certain season. I mean holy cow the month of October is halfway gone (..and i'm on my way and i'm feelin feelin feelin this way cause you're halfway here so don't take too long cause i'm halfway gone halfway goneee.) and soon 2010 will be a memory. How is time moving this fast?? sigh.



So I'm going to list some things I want to blog about...

-life in general
-Isaiah
-nannying/B
-Summer
-movies/music/book/reviews
-To do lists (ironic?)
-Rhythm
-Family
-Regular daily stuff

...and so, we shall see.



anyways, for now I would like to introduce "B" as I will affectionately refer to him here in cyberspace. :] He's pretty much my best bud & a really great listener since I've been spending approximately 25 hours a week in his company. and he actually likes when i sing!

truth

"Things that are true reveal beauty, and things that are beautiful reveal truth."

cause it goes on and on and on

i throw my hands up in the air sometimes...
except not really. but, the song is catchy. :]

hmm. how can it already be the middle of august? i mean, really?
so what have i been up to lately...

painted my room. [which took forever.. props to my parentals for being awesome and helping out] i'll post pics as soon as i get it all put back together. i'm painting my furniture tomorrow though. i've been sore this weekend - painting can be tough. and i've slept on the couch & the floor b/c i didn't have blinds, & it smelled really strong, & i covered the futon with stuff from my room. fail.

allison went back to georgia today. i loveddd her being around this summer. and i miss her already.

we had an 85th birthday party for my grandma at the beginning of the month. basically fun family times were had. and then aunt donna stayed for a few weeks so it was cool to do stuff with her.

and i've been to Christiansburg & Lynchburg with some pretty neat-o people.

i didn't get a job that i really really wanted so now i'm trying to re-motivate myself...
but, i have been at TCP a bunch these last few weeks so everythings working out i guess.

my dreams have been pretty much insane lately & although they drive me crazy and baffle me and consume my thoughts in the mornings i've kind of enjoyed them.

i taught the middle schoolers again this morning. sigh - i miss being that age.

i've been eating out a LOT lately & its gotta stop. my body & my wallet are starting to hate me. :(

& i'm sure there are other items of importance but, the sun has gone to bed & so must i.

ps: i now own 2 silly bandz. therefore, i am cool.

a true fan... counts.

a true fan sits through 4 softball games in a row. props to summerdean for coming in 2nd this season!! :]

i've got a big long to-do list for tomorrow [basically everything i've dropped the ball on lately. & no not the softball although i do have softball on the brain.]

i cannot believe it's been 4 years since i went to colorado. oh so much has changed. *sigh* i'm wondering if its too late to facebook my pictures from that trip.

anyways - camping on sunday we went to the "chapel" service at the campground (sponsored by the ruritan club - different local church rotate leading it.. pretty cool i must say.) and i'll admit i was just not in the best mood on sunday. it was one of those wake up on the wrong side of the bed days.. except i woke up on the right side of the camper with a very sore back & some awful morning breath? haha moving on. so i really tossed around the idea of not going to the service. (side note: that night i went to Genesis & allison & i talked about how when you don't feel like going somewhere or listening to something it's probably when you most need to be there and really need to hear it...) but, i was totally blessed by the pastor who spoke [he also lead it last july when we were there] whose been battling cancer & only been given a certain number of years to live. his perspective was amazing & just glorifying. and by this hymn - which we struggled to sing a few verses of accapella. (sp?) it was stuck in my little head for days until i looked it up. basically - its one of those i've always heard and never really listened to, gave much thought to, all these years.

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,

Count you many blessings - name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

[Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your blessings, see what God hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings see what God hath done.]

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings - every doubt will fly,

And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings - money cannot buy,

Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged, God is over all.

Count your many blessings - angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

[John Oatman Jr.]

and so i want this to be a challenge to myself to take the time, stop focusing on everything negative/uncertain, and count my blessings. daily. :)

ramblings.

I've decided that I never want to live alone.. like long-term. My diet this week has consisted of mac n cheese & bagel bites. and blue koolaid. :] bruce & susan took me to FA's tonight & i ate a salad so that's been my only redeeming factor. And my cat sure has kept me company... so now, i understand how cat ladies become cat ladies. They just make it less lonely! And really I'm not sure what makes my basement so creepy but, it just is. I went bowling tonight for the first time in years -- i think i bowled a 75 the first game & 102 the second. haha. i was proud ok. and it was kind of ironic that i bowled with 5 people who are currently attending LU and i didn't hang out with any of them when i was at liberty or in lynchburg. :) at one point allison, joel, amy, evan & i were standing togetherish and it almost felt like the ol days. almost. haha true friends are the ones who will make sure you make it home okay [even when you don't drink...] i went to what could have been our last softball game tonight - but, we won (sad it was against albo though!) so now we play tuesday as many games as it takes until we lose. and on that note i'm done.

hmm

"Unfortunately, most people believe their doubts and doubt their beliefs... you should be believing your beliefs and doubting your doubts."

easier said than done my friends.