lead me to the cross

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
Te word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

rambling

so i felt like blogging but i am not sure what exactly i would like to write about so we shall see where this goes... haha... could be interesting.

next spring is week after next.. so i have:
1 class tomorrow
A free Saturday!
Church Sunday
2 classes Monday
2 classes and a CMIS test Tuesday
1 class, a test, youth group Wednesday
1 class Thursday
1 paper and one long assignment due Friday
then FREEDOM for a whole week!

This Spring Break coincides with my 21st Birthday for which i am very thankful because last year my bday was the week before Spring Break and it was not much fun because i had 2 tests and a night class. gross. and i will not be partying it up for my 21st because i don't drink. but i do plan on having fun!

mom and i were going to go to TN tomorrow to be there when Josh gets come from Afghanistan but he got delayed and won't get to Kentucky till Tuesday. although i was okay with a quick trip to Nashville i'm kind of glad to have a free weekend here. and wow i'm really not coming up with anything fascinating to say so i'm just going to go now :)

100 truths

100 Truths! After you've filled this out, tag 15 people and have them do the same.

1. Last beverage→ koolaid
2. Last phone call--> called emily & talked to nicole haha
3. Last text message→ nicole.. but she meant to send it to april.
4. Last song you listened to→ needtobreathe "second chances"
5. Last time you cried--> Sunday night i believe

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice → nope i mean i've been on more than one date with ray.. haha
2. Been cheated on? → hope not ;)
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? → nope.
4. Lost someone special?→ yeah
5. Been depressed?→ yes.
6. Been drunk and threw up? → nope.

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. blue
2. green
3. pink
4. purple

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends → yep yep
2. Fallen out of love → nope
3. Laughed until you cried → yes!
4. Met someone who changed you → yes, many.
5. Found out who your true friends were → oh yeah
6. Found out someone was talking about you→ yea
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list→ only one
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → all of them
9. How many kids do you want to have→ 2 to 6 ?
10. Do you have any pets → just the Scoob
11. Do you want to change your name→ not the alison... but i'd be okay with taking a new last name ;)
12. What did you do for your last birthday→ dinner with the family... date with ray...
13. What time did you wake up today → 9:30ish
14. What were you doing at midnight, last night?→ watching dawsons creek & gettin ready for bed
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for→ SPRING BREAK!
16. Last time you saw your father→ Sunday evening = too long ago!
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → not a thing right now, there are things about myself and things about the future (like that i'd know what was going to happen post LU... or heck even this summer)
18. What are you listening to right now → joey potter & people in the hallway
19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → yeppers
23. What's getting on your nerves right now? → my snotty nose
24. Most visited webpage → www.liberty.edu www.yahoo.verizon.net & facebook :)

1. What's your name→ alison nicole stultz
2. Nicknames→ ali alinickel
3. Relationship Status → taken
4. Zodiac sign → picses
5. Male or female or transgendered → all girl
6. Elementary→ glen cove
7. Middle School → homeschooled
8. High school → homeschooled
9. College? → VWCC & LU
10. Haircolor → brown
11. Long or short → shoulder length
16. Height → 5'4
17. Do you have a crush on someone? → yes
18: What do you like about yourself? → my sense of humor
19. Piercings → ears
21. Righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → wisdom teeth
23. First piercing → ears
24. First best friends → elizabeth, lindsey
26. First sport you joined → softball
27. First pet → chip i think
28. First vacation→ myrtle beach?
29. First concert → carmen haha i slept
30. First crush → don't even remember the very first.... haha

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating → not now but my box is tempting me
50. Drinking → water
52. I'm about to → write an outline then go to bed
53. Listening to → andie & dawson chat with some music in the background
55. Waiting for → this to be over and ... the weekend!

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids? → yesss
59. Want to get married? → definitely
60. Careers in mind? → haha well a food sampler, movie critic, mom, homeschool teacher, social worker, counselor, teacher? :)

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes → eyes
69. Hugs or kisses → both!
70. Shorter or taller → taller
71. Older or Younger → older
72. Romantic or spontaneous → romantic
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → arms
74. Sensitive or loud → haha sensitive... but... :)
75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
77. Trouble maker or hesitant → hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → nope
79. Drank hard liquor → no.
80. Lost glasses/contacts → yep
81. Sex on first date → no!
82. Broken someone's heart → maybe cracked but not broke
83. Had your own heart broken→ just bruised a bit
85. Been arrested → nope
86. Turned someone down → yes
87. Cried when someone died → yes
88. Liked a friend as more than a friend? → yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself→ mostly
90. Miracles → yes
91. Love at first sight → nope. attraction which can lead to love maybe.
92. Heaven → yes. and hell.
93. Santa Claus → nope.
95. Kiss on the first date? → nope.
96. Angels → yes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → yes.
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?→ nope.
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? → yep.

25 random things.

so i posted this on facebook because it was the big fad a few weeks ago... and i feel like it will remain forever safe here and years from now (ha) i can look back and see how much is still true.


1. I like penguins and whales and like to buy stuff with them on it. (especially pjs and socks…) but my favorite animal is probably just a good old puppy dog.

2. I love camping… pretty sure I’ve been at least 4 times every year since I was 6. I can do the whole tent no water thing but I like nice trailors and bathhouses too.

3. My dad makes me laugh probably more than any other person in this world. :)

4. I love going out to eat… and not just for the food (although I like food too much) but I like the experience & options & conversations.

5. People absolutely fascinate me. I could watch them all day but I take it further than most people watchers and actually analyze their behaviors (psychologically & sociologically).

6. I’m nearly 21. Sheesh.

7. My fave TV shows are LOST, american idol, and jon & kate + 8. But, I’m watching this season of the bachelor. And Secret Life of the American Teenager. And I’ve recently come to like me some Dawson’s Creek & The Office.

8. I’ve only ever had LG cell phones & will probably never buy anything else.

9. I adore Disney Pixar movies.

10. I’m so thankful for the friends I’ve made here… I honestly love them.

11. Sometimes I fear the bookshelf will fall of the dorm wall and smash me while I am sleeping.

12. I’ve been pretty committed to working out this semester. We’ll see how that goes…

13. I’m not 100% sure what I want to be when I grow up and dread the question of what I’m going
to do after college. Sure, I’ve got some dreams and decent answers to that ? but really, we will see.

14. Some of my best memories are from Camp Bethel.

15. I actually have to work for my grades and I’m pretty proud of my GPA now.

16. A preschooler drew me a valentine on a plate Monday and made me smile.

17. I love mustangs, always have, always will. I give credit to my mom for that. Haha.

18. I’ve been dating Ray for almost 3 years and they’ve been fun, and emotional, difficult and amazing. He’s made me grow soo much. And I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

19. Every day can be a happy day because Jesus washed my sins away…. :)

20. I like doing logic problems (not Sudoku though) they make me feel smart.

21. I’d much rather have someone else drive.

22. My room at home makes me happy… its clouds and daisies. Sigh.

23. I love children… but, lately I’ve really come to appreciate teenages more.

24. I often take my family for granted. They are awesome.

25. Games rock. Boardgames, group games, card games… you name it I’ll play it.

good to remember

"Intimacy is seeing what is truly on the inside of a person (which can only be discovered face to face over long periods of time such as what you experience in marriage). Be careful not to mistake intensity for intimacy. Intensity fades as the newness wears off, but intimacy continues to blossom the longer you know a person." -Shannon Ethridge

I think we (our society, most people i know) often rush into dating relationships and "fall in love" without giving it a 2nd thought. but, do we experience real emotional intimacy as fast as we think we do? so... when the question of "how long should we know each other before we date?" comes upon us (or more often our friends and peers) why do we push the relationship? because everyone wants to experience intimacy. we often only question whether it was real after we've broken up or experienced true intimacy. oh i definitely think we should "call it what it is" but, now, finally i can see the different levels of friendship and how logical and emotionally safe they are.

acquaintance
casual friend
close friend
dating/courtship
fiance/engagement
marriage = true intimacy

so why push for intimacy OR intensity with your close friends? why not let time do its thing or trust God to show ya when to move to the next level? and until then be wise about how much or what you're putting into the relationship (time, emotions, sharing)? not only do you avoid mistaking intimacy with intensity you don't ruin what could be a GREAT friendship. (if only someone hadn't pushed to the next level) sigh.

most of this comes from "choosing God's best" (raunikar) and a class i had on relationships last semester :) i think its just taken me this long to understand it for myself and be able to simplify it into this blog....

be careful what you ask for...

i just re-read my previous blog. not even 24 hours have gone by and the Lord has definitely searched me and taught me and answered what i asked for.

i've had a crazy week. i've been very emotional. and i have not been very nice to peoples. okay, particularly ray & mom & anyone else in my path haha.. but i'm pretty sure it's only because i love them so much and i know they love me that i feel like they can take it - and therefore, i take it out on them and don't realize it until after the fact. the sad thing is i have realized this. yet, i continue to do it over and over. i knew this about myself back in high school (okay mom definitely got the brunt then.) and i've been through this cycle with ray so many times its humiliating. but, as i tried to explain it to ray earlier, it is like i lose my personality, question everything in my life, and don't know what to do...

i've decided there are several factors and i am not taking the easy way out and writing it off as PMS. don't get me wrong - my hormones definitely have an influence. but, i was reading in my book "margin" for facs455 last night after i wrote the previous blog, and the chapter was called "the pain of stress." enlightening. really, i mean don't get me wrong i definitely know what stress is... but, i think i've always generally related it to a specific circumstance. and at this point in my life, at this point in the semester, i think i'm just stuck in a ton of "contemporary stressors" including: change, expectations, time pressure, work, control, fear, relationships, competition, and frustration.

now is my situation extreme? no. when i take the time to consider each of these and what i've been feeling.... yes. definite connection. i mean for goodness sakes: i'm graduating in 10 months. i'll be 21 in one month. i'm doing job shadows, and career profiles, and resumes, and an internship soon. hello real world. what does it make me want to do? return to my childhood. run away. cry. yet, i am hopeful, confident, and excited. i am so tired of school. but, i'm just scared to deal with the changes or make the wrong decisions. this stage in my life is almost over and i honestly don't know what the next one holds. but, really it is just hard to balance:

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:31-34 (NIV)

with

professors and career centers and parents and advisors and fellow students and professional people telling you to PLAN ahead. to start looking for a job now. to get on the ball of making a resume and completing as many internships as possible..... to hurry and grow up. "i don't know what i want to do" is no longer an acceptable answer.

do i think i should not plan ahead? no. not what i'm saying. but, where is the balance in trusting God to open the right doors at the right time and controlling my life and my future myself. oh goodness i have so much to learn. responsibility as an adult. and completely trusting that my Father knows whats best and the big picture. the key is definitely balance. i really think it would take away much of the stress i'm feeling. since i've already established how stress has its affects on me, psychologically, physically, and behaviorally. (margin address each of these) i'm going to add spiritually also.

i am such a sinner. and i can be so self-righteous. yeah i said it. i fool myself and others, but never the Lord. i can justify things yet, compare myself to others to make myself look and feel better. sheesh, it makes me sick. this week i've definitely experienced the theme of examining my own sin (oh i've definitely got enough of it.) and realizing the change that has to happen. i keep thinking about the casting crowns song that i posted last night because i kept thinking about it. i mean it just clicked. so many times in my life i've fallen down and been broken, realized my distance from God and yet, are the changes lasting? where is my follow through??

dr. guiterraz (sp? lol) spoke in convo this morning (definitely after my note and revelation last night) on the 6 fold digression of sin. Ephesians 4:17-19. and he finished with a great illustration of warning his toddler daughter of the dangers of heat/candles/being burnt. he heard her screaming "hot" after she'd been left in a room, within reach of a candle. he expected her to be burnt and blistered but, her hand was still a foot away from the flame. her young hand was so sensitive to heat she recognized the danger a good distance away. her dads hand is strong and calloused and he placed his hand inches about the flame to recognize the warmth and danger. Our hearts should be like the toddlers, tender and sensitive enough to recognize sin from far away. we should be able to identify it early enough to run and warn of the danger. not push further or willing to take the risk of playing with it. have i gotten that numb to sin?

i didn't realize how awesome that illustration was or how it would affect me until tonight at youth group when we discussed the confession of sin during our prayer time. so this evening i have identified several sins that i need to confess, stop, and step far enough away from to identify. am i going to list them here for the world to see? no. but i know what i am going to work on.

i'm soo thankful for my God and that i have realized this now. i'm sorry it has taken me this long to fall down and get back up. "i'm not turning back, i'm moving ahead, i'm here to declare to you my past is over, in you all things are made new... i'm moving forward."

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror, and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run
Was when He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said
“My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran.....


ps: typically i'd be uncomfortable posting such personal thoughts on a blog i know anyone can read. but, i figure it you take the time to check this then you must know me well and love me and so i wanted to share this with you. and, if you don't know me well and something struck you and you want to discuss anything with me than awesome, anytime :)

broken and beautiful

"when words are most empty, tears are most apt." - Max Lucado

life drives me crazy and i drive myself crazy.
but, i'm learning the importance of going to God during the good times and the bad.
i've been really stressed out this week - and not even just because of school work.
i'm being forced to see the bigger, deeper issues.
and then do something about them.
i'm selfish.
and insecure.
but, i have a Heavenly Father who cares for me enough to send simple reminders and attention getters that show me his love - a love than cannot be substitued by anything else.
i need to re-focus.
it's difficult to ask the Lord to uncover you. or to "search me"
and i hate regression... it takes away all of my motivation because what if i simply fail or lose inspiration again?
i hate when i take my emotions out on the people i love the most.
i really am BROKEN... and oh so beautiful in the Lord's eyes.

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart
Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...
Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure
I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door
Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What You've shown me to be right
I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are Lord, who You are in me
Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are Lord, who You are in me. -Casting Crowns