beyond ready

next week @ this time i shall be home. hallelujah. i'm not sure what's up with my mood right now. but hopefully it'll get better tonight?

i'm finished with classes for the semester. :) every time i think of that it helps. and tomorrow's reading day which means Christmas Convo, mom & gma are coming, and open dorms. Should be a good time - hopefully. Friday I hafta go to my CSER & get the from & turn it in. I wanted to do that today but apparently it takes a week to answer 2 questions & give me a grade... i went to lifeway & michael's with nicole, em & jordan. (i lovee them) but i didnt really find anything. hopefully i'll finish a lot of my shoppin tomorrow. and friday night Raymond's coming :) to go to coffeehouse with me & saturday we're seein "7 brides for 7 brothers" and goin to Tiff's Christmas party. Then I'll head home w/ him & Sunday we'll do the Christmas tree deal & I'll come back here to do my last 3 finals & clean.

I feel weird right now. I'm not sure what exactly it is thats bothering me. I've decided not to go to campus church tonight for a number of reasons. i'm not going to go into all of them right now.. but i'll just say that guilt isnt a good reason to go to church. i should want to go to worship & grow & learn. but for some reason i was okay with not going tonight. that kinda scares me - does that mean that i'm not willing to grow? i could go on & on. i guess that just lead to me thinking about my church on sunday mornings. dont get me wrong i love it but i've definitely struggled with getting up & going joyfully lately. and the fact that i've missed church to work some. not tons or anything though. maybe its because growing up i just assumed i had to go to church unless i was like throwing up that now i feel guilty for not wanting to go every single opportunity i can. hmm.

i tried to find a devotional at lifeway earlier. something i can read a little in everyday. not a 365 day short thing because i've been doing those. i need to go when i can take lots of time to really just look through them & see what it is i'm searching for to do during my quiet times.

earlier i was thinking about next semester : new classes & books & roomates & stuff. i'm just anxious to see how its going to go. not like stressed anxious but curious...

okay i'm going to go read some Paradise Lost & find some food.