be careful what you ask for...

i just re-read my previous blog. not even 24 hours have gone by and the Lord has definitely searched me and taught me and answered what i asked for.

i've had a crazy week. i've been very emotional. and i have not been very nice to peoples. okay, particularly ray & mom & anyone else in my path haha.. but i'm pretty sure it's only because i love them so much and i know they love me that i feel like they can take it - and therefore, i take it out on them and don't realize it until after the fact. the sad thing is i have realized this. yet, i continue to do it over and over. i knew this about myself back in high school (okay mom definitely got the brunt then.) and i've been through this cycle with ray so many times its humiliating. but, as i tried to explain it to ray earlier, it is like i lose my personality, question everything in my life, and don't know what to do...

i've decided there are several factors and i am not taking the easy way out and writing it off as PMS. don't get me wrong - my hormones definitely have an influence. but, i was reading in my book "margin" for facs455 last night after i wrote the previous blog, and the chapter was called "the pain of stress." enlightening. really, i mean don't get me wrong i definitely know what stress is... but, i think i've always generally related it to a specific circumstance. and at this point in my life, at this point in the semester, i think i'm just stuck in a ton of "contemporary stressors" including: change, expectations, time pressure, work, control, fear, relationships, competition, and frustration.

now is my situation extreme? no. when i take the time to consider each of these and what i've been feeling.... yes. definite connection. i mean for goodness sakes: i'm graduating in 10 months. i'll be 21 in one month. i'm doing job shadows, and career profiles, and resumes, and an internship soon. hello real world. what does it make me want to do? return to my childhood. run away. cry. yet, i am hopeful, confident, and excited. i am so tired of school. but, i'm just scared to deal with the changes or make the wrong decisions. this stage in my life is almost over and i honestly don't know what the next one holds. but, really it is just hard to balance:

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:31-34 (NIV)

with

professors and career centers and parents and advisors and fellow students and professional people telling you to PLAN ahead. to start looking for a job now. to get on the ball of making a resume and completing as many internships as possible..... to hurry and grow up. "i don't know what i want to do" is no longer an acceptable answer.

do i think i should not plan ahead? no. not what i'm saying. but, where is the balance in trusting God to open the right doors at the right time and controlling my life and my future myself. oh goodness i have so much to learn. responsibility as an adult. and completely trusting that my Father knows whats best and the big picture. the key is definitely balance. i really think it would take away much of the stress i'm feeling. since i've already established how stress has its affects on me, psychologically, physically, and behaviorally. (margin address each of these) i'm going to add spiritually also.

i am such a sinner. and i can be so self-righteous. yeah i said it. i fool myself and others, but never the Lord. i can justify things yet, compare myself to others to make myself look and feel better. sheesh, it makes me sick. this week i've definitely experienced the theme of examining my own sin (oh i've definitely got enough of it.) and realizing the change that has to happen. i keep thinking about the casting crowns song that i posted last night because i kept thinking about it. i mean it just clicked. so many times in my life i've fallen down and been broken, realized my distance from God and yet, are the changes lasting? where is my follow through??

dr. guiterraz (sp? lol) spoke in convo this morning (definitely after my note and revelation last night) on the 6 fold digression of sin. Ephesians 4:17-19. and he finished with a great illustration of warning his toddler daughter of the dangers of heat/candles/being burnt. he heard her screaming "hot" after she'd been left in a room, within reach of a candle. he expected her to be burnt and blistered but, her hand was still a foot away from the flame. her young hand was so sensitive to heat she recognized the danger a good distance away. her dads hand is strong and calloused and he placed his hand inches about the flame to recognize the warmth and danger. Our hearts should be like the toddlers, tender and sensitive enough to recognize sin from far away. we should be able to identify it early enough to run and warn of the danger. not push further or willing to take the risk of playing with it. have i gotten that numb to sin?

i didn't realize how awesome that illustration was or how it would affect me until tonight at youth group when we discussed the confession of sin during our prayer time. so this evening i have identified several sins that i need to confess, stop, and step far enough away from to identify. am i going to list them here for the world to see? no. but i know what i am going to work on.

i'm soo thankful for my God and that i have realized this now. i'm sorry it has taken me this long to fall down and get back up. "i'm not turning back, i'm moving ahead, i'm here to declare to you my past is over, in you all things are made new... i'm moving forward."

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror, and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run
Was when He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said
“My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran.....


ps: typically i'd be uncomfortable posting such personal thoughts on a blog i know anyone can read. but, i figure it you take the time to check this then you must know me well and love me and so i wanted to share this with you. and, if you don't know me well and something struck you and you want to discuss anything with me than awesome, anytime :)